During CNPS 433 we learned a lot about adult developmental processes and one of the theories I encountered was the 'Possible Selves' concept. As we grow up we develop different possible selves and we either fit into these selves or we don't. I was particularly drawn to this unit’s reflection activity because I realized I don’t often engage in self-reflection and I was curious to find out what my possible selves could be. This unit's activity helped me reflect about my own identity as an adult and it helped me uncover things about that I had hidden from myself too.
In the past, I had not often had the opportunity to engage in self-reflection. I was never really encouraged to do it when growing up. I know this because when I think back to my values and aspirations when I was in high school, a lot of these ideas and future possible selves came from the expectations my parents had. All the things I thought I wanted to achieve or thought I wanted for myself came from things my parents would tell me were the “correct” way to live my life. When I applied to the International Relations program at UBC, I did it because my parents truly believed I could do great things with such a degree. After a couple of intro lectures, I completely dropped all my classes and transferred to the Psychology program. I remember thinking to myself, ‘this is not the me I envision in the future’. At that moment, I erased my mental vision board of ‘myself’ and decided to start from zero.
I didn’t know it back then but now I came to realize that I was struggling to find my own purpose in life, other than fulfilling my parents’ dreams and expectations. I was never given the chance to think for myself and think about my future in my own way. So, after reading the class material, I was shocked to realize that the exercise was harder than I thought. I can say that I have been mostly motivated by my strong urge to avoid my undesirable possible self. I didn’t want to live with my parents after graduating from high school, so I did what I could to move out as soon as possible and get the grades and financial aid I needed to come to Canada on my own. I also knew I did not want to work in an embassy, so I switched majors. But what am I genuinely working towards? This activity helped me reflect on my actual honest motivator, and how I envision myself in the future.
Self-reflection, for me, can often be a painful experience. Thinking about my past, my present and my future have not always been so positive. I can think of the time I was living with my parents and how toxic and controlling they were. Then I can think of having to move to Canada on my own and struggling to make any sort of connection with people and the new setting, then to the incident of my sexual assault, failed relationships, the pain, the stress, the loneliness. I must admit that I used to have a harder time thinking about the future because I just could not see it at all. It was hard for me to think about my possible selves while being depressed and lonely and lacking any hope at all. After going through some traumatic events, being suicidal and depressed, all I could think is that my future self would always remain unhappy, depressed and unsuccessful and instead of avoiding that self, I just accepted it.
Thinking about how my possible self have evolved and changed, as I started to heal, seek help, and to build a healthy relationship with my partner and friends makes me realize how far I have come since I started my journey as an adult. Going to therapy was hard at first. This is because, back when I started going to therapy, my partner had suggested I needed to seek help. However, back then, I didn’t see myself becoming any better or happier in the future, since I was just accepting my ‘depressed’ possible future self. I was lacking self-esteem and self-worth and this didn’t allow me to see a positive possible future self I could become, which was affecting my current self back then. Therapy doesn’t work if you don’t want to get better. I learned this because I only started seeing positive effects from therapy once my own future possible self-image changed. I no longer wanted my possible self to be a miserable depressed woman who is struggling with life, so to avoid this I started taking therapy seriously. It was after therapy sessions that I was able to envision myself in a more positive way. It required looking at my past, understanding my pain, and my loneliness and then looking at the future and envisioning these possible selves. I am more than just the result of my trauma and upbringing. My life is more than that. I said, “I want to become a stronger person”. My vision of my future self as a strong woman started positively affecting my current self. I decided I also wanted to help others through their hard times because I too have been through hard days. I now know I envision myself as someone who helps others, as someone who has survived traumatic events, as someone who has healing scars, as someone who is able to be loved and provide love and as someone who is strong.
Today my possible self have changed and evolved and I think what helped me a lot was the social groups I became a part of. I am still learning about myself and where I belong in society and in my own life. During the pandemic, I got to work in a co-op position as an instructor with adults on the spectrum. I met a wonderful team, a group of coworkers with similar values and aspirations as me. Before working there, I lacked direction. I was struggling to find meaning in life and my own purpose. I can see how my possible self started forming from the new groups I was meeting. I started getting better, opening up with other people, letting people into my life, and helping adults with autism learn about life as an adult. It was easy for me to become part of this group because prior to this experience I had worked as a tutor because I truly loved teaching and meeting people who were willing to learn something new. From my co-op experience, I could envision my future self as someone who helps others, and someone who is happy when seeing other people improve their lives from the help I provide. This possible self has helped me gain a sense of direction of where I want to take my studies and future career.
After doing this reflection, I'm realizing that this is just the start of my development as an adult. At 22 years old, I am still learning about myself, my own likes, my dislikes, my values, beliefs and aspirations. I am still discovering what my possible selves are, and I am not afraid of evolving and changing those possible selves as I grow older. As I am in the long journey to recovery from my own trauma and past, I am also opening the doors to new opportunities. And as I grow up I hope to become better at doing self-reflecting activities like this one and become a better person for myself and those in my community.
After doing this reflection, I'm realizing that this is just the start of my development as an adult. At 22 years old, I am still learning about myself, my own likes, my dislikes, my values, beliefs and aspirations. I am still discovering what my possible selves are, and I am not afraid of evolving and changing those possible selves as I grow older. As I am in the long journey to recovery from my own trauma and past, I am also opening the doors to new opportunities. And as I grow up I hope to become better at doing self-reflecting activities like this one and become a better person for myself and those in my community.